By Marshall Cearfoss

Staff Writer

This movie… Makes me cry, not in the good way. Not in the good way at all.

The first motion picture, ever, was created in 1889. Ever since then, there have been movies few and far between that have been this awful.

You may be thinking to yourself “Oh boy, here’s just another negative review full of hatred.” You would be right, except this negative review contains eloquent hatred.

Let’s begin. Put your college brains on, this is going to be rough.

As usual, we shall begin with the subject of plot line. This film was the pathetic attempt of an origin story for the Incredibles- Oh wait, sorry, I mean the Fantastic Four. The general idea of this disgrace to the silver screen is that a group of high school-ish/college-ish (they never really clarified that) kids discover a way to teleport themselves into the 4th dimension to an earth-like foreign planet. The poor souls who are a part of this problematic team are Reed Richards (Miles Teller), Ben Grimm/The Thing (Jamie Bell), Sue Storm (Kate Mara), and Jack Jack…… {sigh} I mean Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan).

Well, while they are on earth’s intergalactic weird little cousin of a planet, something (as ALWAYS) goes wrong. Due to the stupidity of [-the whole movie-] a certain someone on the mission, they barely make it back onto our own boring, lifeless, totally-not-in-need-of-another-superhero-reboot planet alive.

But when they come back, they find that [-they’re all three inches taller-] they now exhibit certain supernatural abilities.

Instead of telling you exactly what their powers are, I’m just going to tell you the closest superhero that each one of them blatantly plagiarizes. Reed = Elastigirl, Ben = Mr. Incredible, Sue = Violet, and Johnny = a weird mixture of Jack Jack and Frozone.

There. See? My reviews can also have math in them.

Ugh, I guess I also have to tell you who the bad guy is, too. When I claim him to be “the bad guy” I use those words loosely, given that his participation in this film pretty much consisted of a few brief cameos near the end.

Anyway, that sad sap was Victor Von Doom (JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A BAD GUY, HIS NAME IS FREAKING VICTOR VON DOOM.), played by the no doubt reluctant Toby Kebbell.

Let’s address the stupidity of [-the entire movie-] his name while it’s still fresh in our minds. His name is Victor. Von. Doom. It doesn’t get any less scary, yet simultaneously villain-sounding than that. Any character with a name this cliché should automatically have a detonator in his or her hand for at least the majority of the film, if not also in the inevitable reboots.

That’s enough for an opinionated summary, now for an opinionated opinion.

Only two things kept me from leaving this horrid obscenity of a movie: 1. I actually had to watch the whole thing in order to give a complete, fair review. 2. I’d made friends with some of the moviegoers in the theater, so at least I wasn’t suffering alone.

I’m gonna limit my CGI (the not-real things) critique to one sentence: I’ve seen better graphics on the forced video ads that show up while I’m playing Hanging With Friends.

To be completely transparent, I thought that the first 20 minutes of storyline was pretty good. It was setting up pretty much like most good superhero movies typically do. There was some clunky exposition and bland character development, but I was excusing those issues in hopes that it would turn into a decent movie.

So I waited…. and waited………………… and waited.

Finally it hit me- THEY COULDN’T MAKE A GOOD MOVIE, SO THEY JUST FILLED IT WITH EXPOSITION AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

You don’t know how much it pains me to admit that I am not being dramatic.

The first 75% is just… Story? In fact, there is hardly even a hint of fighting until almost the very end. And they even failed at the extensive story production! For all of that character development, I would hope that I would AT LEAST feel some form of emotional connection to these people… Nope.

If Elastig- Sorry, Reed would have been killed half way through the film, I wouldn’t have even slowed down chewing my gum. In fact, they could have gone completely Game of Thrones on this thing and killed ALL of the main characters, and “Apathy” still would have been my mental bumper sticker.

Part of the disconnection between the audience and the Four had to do with the acting.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the “acting.”

Although the actors were all in their late twenties to early thirties, I felt like they had been taken straight out of a grade-school play and were forced to act while being held at contract-point. The “acting” was simply not convincing. When they were “happy,” I felt like they secretly wanted to push lawsuits on each other. And when they were “scared,” I felt like they were looking at a sign that said, “Ok, look scared NOW.”

Lastly, one of the most glaring disappointments to me was that a very large amount of the epic-looking clips from the trailer WEREN’T EVEN IN THE MOVIE!

For an enormous portion of the film, I was waiting for the dramatic scene where a motionless pile of rocks suddenly shutters to life, as the Thing emerges and takes form. Well, that never happened.

Also, I was patiently waiting for the quote,

“I’m gonna need a fire resistant workshop… And a big ass sunroof.”

I WAS WAITING FOR SO LONG. CAN’T I AT LEAST HAVE ONE SATISFYING MOMENT?

Anyway, you should go watch it for yourself. Who knows? You may like it. If not, you could at least heckle at it and have some fun.

And if you go watch it, I’d recommend seeing it with my homies (I have no homies) down at Times Square Cinema. When you come to the ticket booth, tell them Marshall sent you, and I guarantee that they will have no idea what you’re talking about. But you should do it anyway. Do it. DO IT!!! -Shia

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