By Marshall Cearfoss
Perhaps God is not dead, but this film’s dreams of being taken seriously are.
Storyline: There were, like … twelve. The problem that this film series has is that it attempts bringing a Chevy Suburban’s worth of people’s lives into one convenient storyline. It’s as if they gave two people (somewhat) detailed exposition and just make you assume the lives of everyone else. Speaking of everyone else, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? We’re given equally long amounts of time to stare at these people, yet we still are presented with futile knowledge as to why we should care that they are on the screen. All I know about 90% of the characters is that they are in the film, somehow crucially correlated with the storyline and each own exactly one face.
Now, if the director wouldn’t have been too busy copy-and-pasting last week’s Sunday school service into the script, each one of those little sub-plots could have possibly been turned into decent movies on their own. Because that’s exactly what it felt like. I felt like I was viciously yanked from the main plot to be forced into a completely separate story every ten minutes.
Acting, oh the “acting”: If you weren’t one of the two main characters in this film, you can bet that your acting caused cringes. Even Sadie Robertson- WAIT THEY GOT SADIE ROBERTSON IN THIS? HOW? Well, Sadie, as sorry as I am to say, your acting could use a touch-up. By the way, one of the characters in this film claimed that his favorite TV show was Duck Dynasty…. If Duck Dynasty exists in this universe, how can a non-Sadie-person who is exactly like Sadie exist in the same universe, even the same room as this guy without him having a heart attack? Yes, I know, it was just a silly little nod to Sadie and the other Robertson who was in the first GND movie. But this isn’t simply breaking the fourth wall, this is complete disregard of its existence.
What else?: Oh, aside from exactly one face, there’s one more thing everyone owned. A Toyota. This film took place in a fairytale universe in which Toyotas are the only form of transportation and the only subject a stale conversation can allude to. I kid you not, in one scene, a guy said something along these lines: “I don’t have to worry about my car breaking down anymore, I bought a Prius. Starts up every time,” he said, as he held a Toyota key fob next to his face and stared almost directly into the camera. Buy a Toyota. God said so.
Conclusion: As much as I’d like to have taken a serious message from this movie, it was difficult with the cheesy shell of low-budget filmmaking. If you want to make a serious movie with a serious message, do it in a professional manner.
The opinions expressed in this review are not those of a religious standpoint, merely from the standpoint of a cynical film critic who’s hard to please.
I’d like to thank Times Square Cinema for making this review possible.
When you come to the ticket booth, tell the theater employee, “I reject your reality and substitute Toyota.”