Winter’s Tale is full of yellow snow

Will Smith is the devil, y’all. No. Seriously. Will Smith plays the devil in a bizarre cameo in Winter’s Tale. Why? Well, not much of the movie makes enough sense to tell.

You might have seen the trailers for the movie and thought it was supposed to be a romance about love conquering all. It was even released on Valentine’s Day. You also might have read the book, it won’t matter as the movie largely ignores the source material.

Well, turns out someone was lying. Sure, there’s a love story and it takes up the bulk of the first two acts, then it abruptly ends and the movie just sort of meanders about a bit.

Did I mention that Will Smith is the devil? In the trailers we see Russell Crowe, Pearly Souls chasing Collin Farrell’s character, Peter Lake. Well, it turns out that Pearly was training Peter to inherit the “keys to the kingdom”, well except that makes no sense because Peter is a human and Pearly is a demon.

So when Peter decides to leave his life of crime after having reservations about the amount of blood being spilled, Pearly Souls (clever right, because he’s a demon?) puts a price on his head. After being rescued by a magical horse, literally, Peter decides to rob a house on his way out of town.

In this house, lives Beverly Penn who is dying of consumption. She has to keep her body temperature extremely low or she will instantly die. Peter intentionally lets Beverly catch him and they fall in love. Somehow, across town, Pearly figures out how to find Peter. He demons-out mid-dinner and kills the waiter and draws a picture of Beverly in the blood. Seriously.

Moments later, a random henchman finds Beverly using a copy of this drawing and by the time she walks back outside, Pearly and a few dozen men are waiting to spill her virginal blood because his drawing told him that she was too important to allow Peter to use a miracle on. Peter rescues her on his magic horse and they skip town.

Peter then meets the Penn family and romances his lady a bit. He asks her father if it’s possible to love someone so much that they can’t die, the father hilariously replies with a flat no.

Pearly then asks The Fresh Prince of Damnation for permission to chase Peter and is told no. He still finds a way to kill her. It doesn’t matter though because she was the wrong redhead and the movie still has at least 45 more minutes!

Peter is now an immortal amnesiac, sans magic horse. Beverly’s little sister, who is now 110 years old and actively running a newspaper, recognizes Peter, they catch up with the food reporter in tow and Pearly wants to kill a little kid with cancer for some reason.

It doesn’t matter though. None of it did, as the voice-over at the end of the film so eloquently states. No life is more precious or deserving than another. So why did we just spend two and a half hours being told those two were? Who cares. I would give this movie negative Buffalo Chips, but it deserves at least one for casting Will Smith in the weirdest and most miscast cameo of all time.

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