HomeMoviesNo-Spoiler Review: The Martian

No-Spoiler Review: The Martian

By Marshall Cearfoss

News Editor

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Hi, my name is Marshall, and this movie is amazing. There’s frankly no better way to put it. Imagine a movie rating system where movies are graded as different species of marsupials-… Ok, never mind, I thought I had a good analogy going. Either way, this movie blew my mind. I would continue rambling, but this is literally just the intro, where things should be short. On we go…

Ok, so, before I get ahead of myself, let’s summarize this thing. The premise is that Mark Whatney (otherwise known as Matt Damon, otherwise known as That Short Guy Who Never Ages) is left on Mars after his fellow astronauts leave him, thinking that he has died in a Martian sandstorm. His crew consists of Commander Melissa Lewis (otherwise known as Jessica Chastain, otherwise known as the actress who I can never, ever decide whether I find her super attractive or not), Chris Beck (otherwise known as Sebastian Stan, othe- OH WAIT, LOOK, it’s Bucky!!!), Beth Johanssen (otherwise known as Kate Mara, who clearly is ridiculously attractive), Rick Martinez (otherwise known as Michael Peña, otherwise…… I swear, I’ve seen this guy in, like, four movies… Can’t think of any… He must not have been that important, I guess), and finally Alex Vogel (otherwise known as Aksel Hennie, otherwise known as the person who I have literally never seen before this movie). The list of important characters goes on, but there are too many, and this review is already too long.

In desperation, Mark Whatney is forced to conserve his rations and make due with what he has until NASA can take whatever action is needed to retrieve him from the desolate surface of Mars. During his time on Arizona’s twin brother of a planet, he has to improvise and create ways to extend or increase his resources of food and water.

I think that will suffice as a summary, don’t you?

Now, onto what I do far too well: stating my opinion.

Going into this film, I… Honestly didn’t expect much. I thought it would just be another space movie, piggy-backing on the hype from Gravity, Interstellar, and even Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. That really doesn’t seem to be the case. Out of those three, this is most comparable to Gravity. In fact, the only difference is THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. To understand how superior this movie was, imagine if a bunch of marsupials lined up and- Oh wait, I already tried that joke. Now, allow me to explain my opinion.

The acting was executed so very well. I felt like I was watching a real-life event with real-life people. The only exception was Kate Mara, who really seems to only be capable of having a completely emotionless face. Clearly, she also went to the Katniss Everdeen School of Never Smiling. I was also impressed by the amount of detail that the filmmakers put into the movie to create a realistic, scientific storyline. The realism and scientific accuracy is in the same ballpark as Interstellar, (mild spoiler for those who haven’t seen Interstellar) except without any crazy sci-fi at the end.

Finally for the part that so many movies just can’t seem to get right: humor. THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY (mostly) DID IT RIGHT. The main character was a sarcastic, humorous soul, thus, there were plenty of jokes. Almost all of Mark’s jokes were very well executed and actually made me laugh. Some of the other jokes (done by support actors) could have been omitted from the script, but they’re nothing too atrocious.

To conclude, I feel like this was possibly the best movie to come out in 2015 thus far. With the exception of a splash of some cringe-worthy humor, this movie was nearly flawless in my opinion.

I’d like to thank Times Square Cinema for making this review possible. When you come up to the ticket booth, tell the theater employee that you just came back from spending four years on Mars with Matt Damon, and you’re watching this movie because it reminds you of home.

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