I have been a stay-at-home mom for two and a half years. Being with my kids every day, experiencing every milestone, encouraging every new curiosity, and watching them learn the world has been the highlight of my life. I decided in December I wanted to go back to school and pursue a career I’ve dreamed of for years. I want my kids to know their dreams and aspirations are important and the best way I know to do that is leading by example, but it doesn’t always feel like that’s what I’m doing.
In the last two years, I have been away from my kids for maybe a day and a half at a time and even that is rare. I put them to bed every night, get up with them every morning and I have been a consistent part of their day their whole lives. When I was away from them, they always stayed with family. Now, I leave them with a babysitter twice a week for 8 to 10 hours a day. I don’t get to have breakfast with them or see them throughout the day; the only thing that stays the same is putting them to bed every night.
This change has been a difficult adjustment for all of us, but realistically it’s been the hardest for me. “Mom guilt” floats around me from drop off to pick up. I think about them all day, even having to readjust my focus in classes to stop running every scenario of their day through my head, like wondering if my 9 month old is going to crawl for the first time while I am at school. They love the babysitter, and she says they’re wonderful and have a great time while I’m gone. The reassurance is great but it rarely takes any of the guilt or fear away.
As a parent going back to school, the hardest part is getting out of your own head. Learning to refocus your mind away from your kids seems like an impossible task and parental guilt is crushing. I have found in the last few weeks that reminding yourself that you’re doing all of this for them is the only thing that really helps. Knowing that all this time you are giving up with them will only be worth it if you stay focused on your goals and move forward with the knowledge that everything you are doing is for your kids will ease some of the stress, worry and guilt. Focusing on the end goal may not take it all away, but it will help.
Going back to school as a parent is a daunting task. Knowing that not only are you bettering yourself, but you are preparing a better life for your children is one of the most important steps to pushing through all the emotions that come with it. You can be a committed, present parent and still better yourself. You can have a career and still be there for your children. You can get through this, and you will get through it, for them.
